tired.... very tired... but felt like writing. yeah.... um im a horrible person. I feel like I should never complain but it seems like all I do is complain nowadays. I should just suck it up and go forward buts thats just so hard. I feel like I lack the strength to go on.

God help me. I dont know why, but I find myself looking out the window more and more and reminiscing bout times past. I ask myself why... but who am I to ask such a question.

I have nightmares these days... it scared me at first but maybe he's just trying to talk to me. Im sorry... it should have been me all those years ago... I will never forget it. I promise. In my heart and in my mind... (as long as I don't get alzheimer's) you will live forever.

I know God keeps no record of wrong... but it's hard for me to forgive myself. Im sorry... I know this is Satan coming at me with all his might but I will conquer because I have God on my side.

Im so sorry. I would like to believe that I am clean and pure. And sometimes I feel like I am cleansed but then I look down at my hands, they are covered in blood, dripping the precious elixer of life.

One foot in front of the other... dont tell ne one... no one wants to know this.

I feel you in the wind sometimes... I feel like you forgave me too... I know you did you were always like that. And im sorry. I feel like that it's the only thing I can say.

Last night I had another night mare. This was pretty gruesome. it was desolate and dark it was hard to breath. I looked up and saw wood covering me. I couldnt get up. I couldnt move. I tried so hard I really did but it was not good. I was buried alive.

Im sorry dad. Give me another chance. No, I dont deserve it. Just disown me. I said I forgave you and I bought the card and even thought of what to write but I couldnt pick up a pen and do it. I dont know why... Im sorry dad.

I have to be strong... I have to carry the weight given me. But sometimes its just so heavy.

Well on a happier note... I can say I have some good friends on my side. I feel like I can talk to them and I feel like I can help them out but im not sure if I can tell them about the past yet. Im scared I suppose. Give me time. The most precious gift of all. And yet I can feel it slipping through my fingers.

I hope ure in heaven. U were never big on the whole religious thing. I hope ure in a better place. I would never be able to forgive myself if ure not.

hello... mina  san~ haha I'm so tired today. I did not get home till like three yesterday! Ahhh... could not get up this morning >< soOoOo tired. But still managed to get to school on time. I pushed myself this morning. Ahaha.. I'm still writing in my xanga tho... haha^^

yesterday was quite uneventful. I ended up watching American Pie 2 at Adriann's house... It's a really stupid movie it just has a lot of cussing and nudity. haha guess who picked the movie? ><

We really didn't do anything all that fun but I did manage to borrow Naruto! haha anime is the best I know I could not live without it. >< All of my downloads finished yesterday. So I was watching paradise kiss when Gilmar called me and asked me to hang out with them. I know how hanging out at Adriann's house usually ends up however I took my chances. lolz

Wow so break is all gone now. I wish it could have been longer and I'm kinda glad that it is indeed over. I really worked all break I didn't really have a "break". I wanna use my gift card before I go back to school but I don't have the time to go to the mall.

Mike keeps insisting that I am half black... I have no idea why... actually it all started with that stupid Lexus!! >,<

Gil made fun of me for making a xanga so late into the game. O well whatevers...

I miss all the people from school and hope to see them soon. I really miss Lisa~ haha and linda too of course.

I wanted to hang out with my soon jang unee over the break but I guess that is not possible. hmm....

yeah... i dunno what else to write so imma leave it at this today... plus I'm hungry ^^

1-5-06

wow my first xanga blog entry... its sorta exciting... haha so I get to write about whatever I want... hehe alright so here goes... yesterday was my mom's fiftieth birthday... it was sorta not the way we planned it. We made food and put candles all over the place but then a gripp of people came and we didn't have enough food so some of us couldnt eat. So we decided that next year we should just send her on a cruise or something.

I don't understand why people say one thing but do another. So I will watch myself more closely to see if I do it too. I sure hope not! ^^ Home... hmmm... I dunno it's sorta good and sorta bad... >< I think next quarter I won't be coming back all the time. Perhaps some space is not a bad thing.

I love my friends and my school. I don't think I was as stressed as I was supposed to be. Everyone else was really stressed out around midterms and finals but I think I just flew by them in a kind of daze. It was all too new.

I turned in the application for studying abroad yesterday. One of them is not due until may but I figure I might as well just do it early. I really want to go. I want to go some where far and exciting. Just thinking about it makes me smile. Okay so maybe I'm ready for a change. I've been ready for a change.

Studying in college has been a blast. I get to study the things that I want to. And that makes me incredibly happy. You have no idea. Plus all the people from KCCC thank you so much!!! I love all of you!!! ure like my family. All the special people... and all the blessings that each of them brings and brought to me. All of the freshmen peoples I love you all!!! haha!!!

I got to thinking the other day that wow... I'm gonna be twenty in no time at all. So then that led to omg... what have i done throughout my teenage years? well the truth is nothing out of the ordinary. So I'm gonna do something really awesome and memorable before I turn twenty.... ahhhh!!!!! that's really scary!!! omg.... haha

This is really fun! I get to get everything off of my shoulders and just really type. I understand why this had gotten to be so popular. 

 my roomates!!! I love you!!! haha I was scared when i first got there because I didn't know what to expect. But thatnk you so much for being such sweet and kind individuals. Lisa!!!! I love you I love you I love you!!!!!! haha I don't know what I would do without you!!!! hehe... Shahaf!!!! lets get to know each other more k?!

Linda!!! well both of you... haha I love you guys soOoOoOo... much! haha Linda Kit!!! U still gangsta right? haha

I feel like my life has been really different from other people's well of course everyone has a different life but you know what I mean. I really feel like I have been through and seen things that not a lot of people should see. I dunno perhaps all of this has made me a stronger and better person. I know I wouldn't change a thing if I could go back. 

To all the beautiful men out there... oiy... I can't date... haha (sigh) so stay single so I have a chance later when I can date! lolz

Dad... i forgive you... It has been really hard but yes, I do forgive you... I don't want to be bitter anymore. I don't want to have that bottled up inside of me and just have it brewing up ready to explode. I'm tired now...

In this new year... I want to be a person that everyone relies on. The first person to call if something goes wrong... the first person to call if ure happy or sad... I will be there for ya'll!!!! I love everyone of my friends I truly do... I don't wanna name names cuz I might miss someone but yeah... Oiy... this has gotten longer than I thought it would be. o well....

I really don't want to procrastinate but then I know I always do.

Gilmar!!! haha ure a really special friend to me... I feel like I've known you forever.... hehe well long enough I suppose. Ure always always there for me... so now I wanna be there for you~ ahaha that sounds so corny!!

wow trail mix granola bars are pretty good... and that's really random... haha o well... I'm a really random person...

Well i guess I'll wrap this up for now... ><